they ran out of cups so I just drank out of a cowbell.
I hit 10,000 texts this month.. I think my grandkids have carpal tunnel.
Last night you tried to pee on my bed...in the hallway...your room...and the showers. When I finally got you on the toilet you passed out.
every time you want to hook up with a guy who has a girl friend, i'll just give you a freshman
Sorry I didn't pick up for your booty call. I usually am asleep at 4:00 on Thursdays. Like a normal person.
My mouth holds just enough water for my bong
he's dressed up as pikachu 3 fucking years in a row and gotten laid each time. i don't understand
...i'd have to set their sheets on fire.
I'm obsessing over hocus pocus right now. What if I change my Grindr profile to "come little children, I'll take thee away to a land of enchantment"
I'm sorry but you're choosing a girl that faked a pregnancy when you wouldn't return her calls over a more attractive sane girl who you begged for a chance with last week? God you're a loser.
He realized that I was watching deadliest catch while we were jerkin off on FaceTime.
false alarm, still single
I know! It's like he knows when my vagina wants to misbehave!
well true... there's not a real discreet way to masturbate in public
I don't remember anything from last night, but at track I found my thong next to the high jump pit... So it must has been decent
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