Ehh boy. FML. she was unattractively large.
I am drunk raised to the nth degree. The possibility of getting sick is approaching infinity.
I don't wanna hook up with anyone from minnesota
everybody there reminds me of mashed potatoes... white and lumpy
i'm lost and i look like a hooker
they could make at least 3 episode of "i shouldn't be alive" out of my weekend
Lost is over, my longest committed relationship is coming to an end.
Listening to Joy Division and applying for Walmart. You get to choose which one is more depressing.
I wish I could attach your penis to someone I like more than you.
She just told me she's too full for a reach-around. Sad.
I fed the cats at 7 am, made her eggs, gave her oral, and now I'm helping her clean and baking her brownies. Cosmos got nothing on me.
Give him a trash can and a welcome home balloon, he will be good.
Oh god. Standing was a rash decision
I made it to Starbucks to do work and I've just been sitting here with my head on the table for 30 minutes...
who dressed up as a cop at your party???
idk I have to check. Why?
he gave me the best strip search of my life. FIND HIM.
Never underestimate the power of loudly proclaiming you want to make out with someone
I'm laying backwards. On the stairs. Eating carrots. And drinking from a captain Morgan bottle.
Randomize
