We drank a $4 handle of tequila until 5 am. Please think about that.
He said my breasts were God's way of making up to him for all the shit he's had to endure in his life.
I feel like I owe it to them to wear pants.
you picked up the vacuum cleaner at one point and said you we gonna beat the shit out of me with it. that was kinda funny
Where are you? I hear fireworks and you've gone missing. I'm sure that is not coincidence.
Can I just say that you're probably one of my favorite people to have sex with and then eat hummus with at 3:45am?
He autographed my vag. This fuck just got authentic.
IF IT WALKS LIKE A MANWHORE AND QUACKS LIKE A MANWHORE, HE PROBABLY HAS VD.
i need to put some appletini on your dick
See I would make a great girlfriend. My surprises are sex and burritos. What else do guys want
we're like the harlem globetrotters of underage drinking
Drunk Sam makes promises that Sober Sam can't keep
Just because you have put things in my vagina does not mean you know me
You yelled "Shame!" like you were that bitch from Game of Thrones and then hit my balls full force with your sports bra
I had to remind him last night as he had his arm around me, "We hook up, we don't cuddle!"
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