On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
last nights makeup is better than no makeup at all.
i'd fuck the guy who invented dead baby jokes.
rubbing her clit was like playing thumb war
the vast amounts of cleavage i'm sporting to my final says "no, I didn't study but don't worry I've got something lined up for when I don't graduate".
You are in charge of making sure that her vagina explodes with joy tonight.
Listen. I'm a changed woman. I have no problem using him for sex.
All she kept whispering was put your pickle in my mouth. Then she fell out of her barstool and chipped her tooth
I'm convinced that college is the only place where one can have an existential crisis over what sweatpants to wear
So if I tell her fire is hot and it will burn her... she's probably just going to keep throwing her vagina at it huh?
Just went trick or treating in my kitchen. Found chocolate and scotch. Happy fucking Halloween
I have vodka and a slip n slide so of you could come over that would be great
I know I say this every year but 2015 will be the year I finally have sex with David's sister
I just don't understand why your parents aren't supporting your dreams of being a medieval weapon smith.
Do you know why I slept in the yard last night?
You said you watched the lion king stoned and had to do it for simba.
Pride rock will get you every time.
Randomize
