you know you've been playing too much mario kart when you see a curve in the road ahead and see yourself drifting around it
it feels like my vag is blowing bubbles
I just had to take a drug test for my new job. I should have asked them if they could tell me if I were pregnant or not while they were at it and save me the guesswork.
i'm sorry for cheering you on when you were making out with him. i was just celebrating the fact he was decent looking for once
My nipple rings set off the metal detector at the courthouse this morning.
Word is he has some crazy hawaiian STD
we need to drink more beer. the fridge wont close.
The timing couldn't have been better if I planned it. His mom walked away, I vomited in their mulch, and then his mom came back and offered me bread.
I don't think everyone found it as funny as I did... Nothing says "Party's Over" like the sound of a pump action shotgun.
Had to go see my sisters new baby this morn in the clothes I wore to the rave last night. Still drunk. Almost dropped it. I'll be a good aunt right?
I forced myself to puke in my garbage can, and the next day I bought a new one and burnt the old one. You could say it was a rough night
I'm watching Pretty Woman alone and weaving a basket for Fiona. This is my life.
The horniest man in the world doesn't want sex as bad as I want pizza right now.
There is a couple fucking in the outback bathroom and at first I thought it was sick but than I remembered my Outback fantasy with you and decided I can't pass judgements.
i got drunk and started dancing with the plant because you were out of town
Randomize
