i woke up with a shirt on. the kids in my daycare group had a lot of questions when i took off my shirt at the pool to reveal "property of brittany" written on my chest and an arrow pointing to my dick.
You came on your own forehead. Just wanted to remind you that.
Once again there IS no outside bathroom. Never has been, that is the balcony
she was laying naked in the stream looking for "ribbays", which is apparently drunk for frogs.
There's a black statue of liberty dancing on the side of the road. Please hold while I join him.
I'm not a home wrecker but if one more married man with a yacht asks me to go scuba diving I'm NOT saying no
I'm pretty sure that our Lady and The Tramp Red Vine moment was the farthest I got last night
I wish university was like frosh week all the time and then they just give you a degree for surviving
Why did I wake up in bed with the ironing board and a Mariah Carey mask? Vodka hates me
It's not even 8:30a, wine glass is broken, there's sugar everywhere, and your mom just asked me what MILF means.
I think I just found my soul mate...he's wearing a zebra striped onesie and is into Michael Jackson...I'll explain in the morning.
I'm sorry, I'm tired, I can't play long distance cockblock anymore. Good night don't get too pregnant.
the police dropped me off. that's how my night went.
Is it weird that I was turned on when he told me he had a vasectomy?
I knew you two would hit it off
That's why we have robots to masturbate for us
Randomize
