i'm at a stripclub and this bitch just lit her nipples on fire!
i think i just was awoken by the sound of my roommate choking on her boyfriend's dick
Whose surfboard did we steal and why is there a wood carving of a pelican in the fridge where the beer used to be?
i just made my mom cry by blowing spit bubbles.
im holly from the hills drunk
It was awkward being the only one at the wedding who knows that the bride and groom met when she gave him a lap dance at a strip club
just had a flashback of you pouring champagne into my mouth from someones balcony..
I just wanted to clarify that I am not bisexual and had no intentions of ACTUALLY penetrating my roommate with a can of bugspray.
You kept running up to random groups of people and saying "I'm a Dallas Cowboy Cheerleader so we all have to chug our drinks!" and they all listened to you.
she was braiding my hair and singing forever young while she vommed everywhere at the same time. Talent.
I opened a bud lite with a fencing sword last night. Yeah you banged that guy.
you went to ralph's and bought all of their pears and left them outside my house
Statistics show that guys with slightly higher IQ scores and overly-trimmed eyebrows have micro penises. It's science.
I stepped in puke last night then washed it off my shoe with beer. Is there a grace period to respect before wearing them to class?
Wake up. Smoke. Masturbate while eggos cook. Go back to bed. Smoke. Body spray shower. Beer with breakfast. Class. Morning of a champion.
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