we're getting ready to take strippers to breakfast. I love my life.
she says her boyfriend and her dignity are both out of town tonight
my boobs just fell out on the dance floor. my wedding is totally beating your wedding
When I'm drunk and can't pee, I sing my abc's in my head and try to pee before I get to pee. Last night I forgot to do it in my head
I was wasted and lost so I called the cops and asked for directions. It seemed logical at the time
worst lay ever....
as long as you cum, there is no bad sex
ya... thank god for condoms, I was able to fake it... I stand by my original statement
before you smothered your pizza in mayo you blotted it with a napkin saying you were trying to watch your fat intake
If you weren't supposed to have sex with your ex then they wouldn't rhyme.
They got their marriage license when they were at the courthouse for her arraignment.
I want to put in my resignation as an adult. From now on I will be spending my time drinking beer and skiing.
If throwing a bottle across the bar, hitting a skank in the head and not getting caught was an Olympic event, you'd bring merica the gold every time
im half tempted just to scoot up to him and whisper "I'm not wearing underwear" but idk if thats a heartfelt apology
I have six new people in my phone that I don't remember adding. One of them is "Bourbon Yeah." Successful evening?
So is the trick to long distance communication to be drunk during phone conversations?
in your professional opinion, what's the most elegant way of saying "sorry I spent all night flirting with you, I thought you were gay" ?
Randomize
