No one appreciates an amoeba in a balloon hat.
Saw a dead body on the way to the casino. I think that's a good sign.
cant believe you said you would bone perez hilton
i said paris hilton
thats even worse
just got out of a noise viloation because the cop recognized my roomate as his favorite chipotle burrito roller. just another reason I love ritos
so i'm just gonna leave my credit card in your mailbox so you can bail me outta jail.. deal?
I forgot to tell you the best part. The folded up paper he wrote his number on opened up to be a picture of him when he was younger wearing a Columbia tshirt in front of NASA and in pen said his name and "space consultant."
He left his umbrella behind in my bed to 'keep me company', then stole my front door key before he went to work
I'm having one of my monday morning walk of shame coffees if you care to join.
The hookup that almost was... Both partys too drunk to migrate to the other.... the universe has won this one.
I found my weird threshold when Truth or Dare became everyone get naked and snort Adderall off the kitchen counter.
Looking for my adderal, only found acid. What a shame
He washed his dick in my kitchen sink after sex. I think he might be a keeper.
What, wait. You are not supposed to drink wine out of the bottle?
Give me a few. Gonna ride the rollercoaster.
Did he pick you up in a mini van?
Yes. Turns out my sugar daddy is about to be an actual daddy
Randomize
