So would u like to explain why you ate all my pickels and took my 1800?
About that, i have your 1800 on my desk with intentions of returning it but theres nothing i can do about the pickels
when are you leaving homes?
it's 7:51. why the fuck are you awake at 7:51
I had a sex dream about Oprah.
go back to sleep
dude. it was a sex dream. about. Oprah.
He texted me for a bootycall at 2:00am so I rolled outta bed and shaved my legs but then he decided he wasn't coming over...he lost his bootycall privileges
No, i went to get it done but the guy couldnt find it. exhibit A of why i wanted a clit piercing in the first place.
We tried to line dance with everyone but it turned into drunken stumbling and attempting to grind on random frat boys. I feel that this might turn into an every Thursday thing.
That would be a dream come true. Seriously, he's like my mount everest, my life's ambition is to climb him.
I think I'm going to go into my next therapy session with hot client with my fly down and when he tells me about it I'm going to say "how did that happen?!" and then porn music will start to play.
I just used a beer funnel to put gas in my car
ok NEVER tell the strippers its your birthday. i think i have to burn these clothes and take a bath in bleach
Captain and coke. And it's not drinking alone cuz i have a dog
It looks like I jerked off a rainbow.
Don't mention it
Just endorse me for cunnilingus on LinkedIn
Grandma and I are gonna see the new Tarzan movie, because we both appreciate shirtless Swedish men
IF THE SUNS NOT EVEN OUT THEN WHY IS HIS DICK OUT WTF
I'm about 40% drunk. You know, not drunk enough to light the bar on fire, but drunk enough to let the cougar hit on me.
Randomize
