My roommate and I had a nyquil contest. The nyquil won.
funny how all you have to say is "i'm infertile" and boys are stoked on you
We need to either drink and not go to waffle house or go to waffle house and not drink. I need to know which is causing these shits.
I'm cooking a can of baked beans on the baseboard heater. It is too early in the semester to be this poor.
He came up to me muttering about the pills on the bathroom floor... I found him an hour and a half later trying to take naked photos of himself with an alarm clock...
That's why she's the girl with her life together and you're the girl with the penis drawn on your car.
When this bachelor party is over and your life is in ruins, you have my permission to die.
I smell like lime and condoms and I really want a waffle. Fuk
THERE IS WEED IN MY OVEN. HOW AM I EVER SUPPOSED TO MAKE CHICKEN PARMESAN WITH WEED IN MY OVEN.
He smacked my ass so hard my ass cheek looks like Wilson from Cast Away
I haven't been dieting for my entire life to date some guy who thinks his dad bod is a riot.
Well let me fuck you while I make potatoes. It's every girls dream
I will be wearing a suit out more cuz it has been decided i rage harder with a power tie
Holy shit dude........stairs
Bro, it was an EPIC night once again last night. I’m so sorry that you saw me naked.
Randomize
