You know if a vagina was a face, it'd be ugly as hell...
Note to self: never go down on a girl first thing in the morning…its like opening a grilled cheese sandwich
he looked like jesus. just the kind of jesus i would have sex with.
Some guy shouted fuck america during the national anthem, i decked him. They threw him out. USA USA USA!
i prefer some hard alcohol, but wine makes me feel less of a progressive alcoholic
I cagt a turtle and named him squirt. He's in my bathtub Caleb is feeding me peaches! This is the most beautiful vodka Thursday ever!
I can't even look at my running shoes. I swear I drank more in the last 2 days than the last 6 months combined
I'm smoking a bowl and pondering why we haven't discovered teleportation again.
Also, I found out that my dad has the name of every boy that I've ever dated and their physical description, car type and tag number stored in his computer.
Apparently Angela went missing once and he says he learned were to look first and that it's best to have information on hand.
We were getting fries and you hopped the counter and yelled "WELCOME TO GOOD BURGER HOME OF THE GOOD BURGER" and threw up
Bacardi 151 is like a past nightmare I'm still curious about
Drunk me is basically the Oprah of nudes. Everyone gets one.
It's a mix of hot dirty sex and week old bong water
falling asleep on a hardwood floor changes a person
Little girl was fucking around on the train and completely ran her head into a pole. Totally burst out laughing as she cried. Her mom was not amused. I don't think I should be a Mom. EVER.
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