you dont know how to answer ppls txts anymore?!?
im sorry, i don't get text messages.
No.. It's totally over.. He deleted the poke I sent him.. That makes it official.
shape ups are the best shoes to wear when youre stoned. its like walking on little trampolines every step.
Am I the only one creeped out by the guy asleep behind our couch?
You will receive a large, large reward, worth much more than the actual phone you are holding, paid not only in cash but in sexual favors, if you return this phone! Please respond if you're interested in cash/sex/or just being a good person. Thanks and hope to hear from you soon!
Someone painted a weed leaf on my leg with red paint. Or blood. I hope paint.
Holy fuck just found a used tampon in the leg of my pants. it's not paint. It's. Not. Paint.
She's currently upstairs fucking her boyfriend while I am downstairs making them a sex playlist watching her boyfriend's Weiner dog and large Boxer try and mount each other. Marvin Gaye is playing. This is the ultimate third wheel fail.
Woke up on a mattress on a roof this morning with a pair of briefs next to me. Oh fleet week.
I really want to text him and congratulate him on having a bigger penis than the guy I dumped him for, but I thought that might be awkward...
I just walked in on my lesbian roommate having sex in the kitchen, and it was awesome. We proceeded to shots naked together. Happy birthday to me.
I'd go lesbian for $50 and a good phone case.
You know what? The sex was so bad that I don't even care that I gave him strep.
Everyone's going out for thirsty Thursday and I'm just like. Cool. Enjoy yourself. I'm gonna eat an entire pizza and watch King of Queens reruns.
She's still here. My penis can feel it.
Dude, I think she left with some dude like an hour ago
FOUND HER. I swear this thing is like a metal-detector
Im getting out of handcuffs then i'll give you a call
Randomize
