This kristen chick is fuckin nuts. She's pyscho. She's a trainwreck. She carries baggage. She's... Perfect.
Someone just uploaded pictures on facebook of you making out with random girls. I'm telling you because I'm assuming you don't remember anything, but the 236 pictures in the album should give you a good clue.
"lets watch the sunrise" turned into "lets have sex on the roof at six thirty in the morning"
thanks for being the calm eye of my shit storm.
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The investigator asked if we were sharing a pitcher of margaritas. I corrected him and explained that we each had our own.
Also I'm very proud of th fact that I walked my dog before bed. Drunk dog walking should be an Olympic sport; it takes SKILLS.
Dunno why I keep hitting snooze. It's never gonna give me the kind of sleep I need to be sober.
You kept trying to get the girl i brought home to hook up with you by enticing her with 12 baconnators you brought home
All I'm saying is the next time I see him naked, there better be something in it for me that doesn't end in bailing him out of jail.
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He told me he loved me and then peed his own bed. So at least it was a memorable one night stand.
I ate breakfast with him. And by ate breakfast I mean we fucked on the kitchen table.
Is there a classy way to tell him that to thank him for his service I would like to put his dick in my mouth?
"Happy Veterans Day! Now pull down your pants."
I just saw a guy in a hazmat suit riding a tractor.
Oh the best part of having sex with him was that he made me a smoothie after
We were peeing side by side on the riverbank together and I felt like nothing brings you closer than drunken riverbank urinating so I caught her a friendship frog to wipe with since we left the tp in the canoe.
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