Awkward is getting caught beating off in the company bathroom...
the entire time we were hooking up i couldn't stop thinking about the bengals. thoughts?
I guess i tried to text 911 last night with "someone stole my bong." Thank god that doesn't work...
I hate girls that dress up to come to planned parenthood. I just want to be like we are all in the same boat here, we know your slutty. Its OK.
Whats the count minus fat chicks?
If a Romanian girl's marriage isn't considered legal in the US then she's fair game right?
someone needs to get her out of the garbage can shes never gonna forgive us for this
I stole another quarter from the bathroom. I'm slowly getting rich drinking here.
Sometimes crazy just comes naturally. I don't need booze to say that on occasion I feel the need to rip off my asshole and throw it against the fridge to see if it sticks.
I just got my hands on some dry ice. How do you feel about coming home to a mystical wizard toilet?
You get home ok?
Uh, you stopped by my house at 4 am and woke me up, so yeah.
Right. Will do. I'll call you if I need a ride. (that is a double meaning, go with it.)
I shit you not. Dude complemented me for being meme savvy. You could drown a toddler in my panties right now.
I had nothing but condoms at the checkout, then grabbed a pack of Orbitz gum and said "gotta protect from bad breath" felt like a boss
Only in this town do you have a bridesmaid shortage due to pregnancies.
Randomize
