nothing makes up for a small, perpetually flaccid penis quite like a British accent
she called me screaming that i shouldn't ignore her phone calls, because she's not trying to get me to hang out with her and she doesn't want to be my girlfriend, she just wants sex.
what did you do?
i asked her out. that's so hot.
We were sexting and at the end, instead of us having sex, he decided to put "we fell asleep in each others arms."
At what point in my life was I not hugged enough to be on my fourth walk of shame in half as many weeks?
its not fair. if i was a guy, i'd be getting a high five for banging two in one night.
It's a bathroom floor kind of morning.
He is now tagging himself in my pics from last year where he is barely visable in the corner. i feel like he's marking his territory.
His grandma held his dogs so they wouldn't follow me out the door. It was like a whole new level added to my walk of shame.
I apparently used the line "I'm a bouncer too so i would know if I were too drunk" then they asked me to leave.
I woke up naked wrapped in a wolf blanket on the bathroom floor
We're meant to be. Apparently God wants me to get dicked down pretty good too so I'm not complaining about destiny
Is it bad if I look at someone i dont know and just want to punch them in the face?
If I'm legally allowed to go to jail than I should legally be allowed to tell a cop to fuck off. Basic principles.
Yea, but did you really have to throw a sandwich at him??
That guy I hooked up with in new york last 2 statuses are "I'm going to be a father, it's a girl" then "wow syphilis sure does burn" I'm legit scared... What has my life come to.
To describe how high he was he said, " I'm cocked out of my ape sandwich" so yes...that was some pretty good weed.
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