I wish I could donate my sober boners to my whiskey dick
Robbie told me you spent 10 mins discussing the curl in his hair and that you said "with that curl in your hair, you'll go far"
and when he finished he handed me a baby wipe so i could clean up. i'm ok with the fact that he has kids, but not sure how to react to this.
Im blasting "Fat Bottom Girls" as loud as humanely possible in attempts that old ladies doing water aerobics will take the hint and get the fuck out of the pool.
A gay black guy with blonde hair and a gold tooth just told me he would shit on my face.
Now it's a party.
I've literally never felt worse
My body feels like its decomposing
I seem to have forgotten that I am wearing a one piece bathing suit under my clothes
Roommate just came in drunk and tweaked out because my tv has a DVD player built in. Waaaaaayyyy too sober for that conversation.
I just stabbed open a can of Spaghetti Os with a spork. Who says I cant take care of myself?
alright. I just need to set some ground rules, no lighting me on fire, and no broken bones. fair?
I'm gonna write a song for the kids called "you're systematically killing your mother". In it I will explain that my recent hypertension and increase in smoking is due to them being dicks
He's a cop. Do you know how many times I've said fuck the police? This is my chance. I'm taking it.
Who knew she had talents apart from chugging wine spritzers
Remember how I made that resolution to remain celibate for 6 months? Well, I just broke that
You literally made that 4 hours ago...
He pulled out a Plan B pill and handed it to me as I left like it was a party favor. God Bless America.
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