and on the seventh day, God created megan fox
I was like, "um, that's my butthole."
Just got a orange juice for my grandma, put gin in it without thinking. She's having a good morning.
I've been here 20 minutes and some creepy old man told me he wanted to know what my insides felt like. I hate gay bars.
sorry for covering your dog in whipped cream. his bark made it sound like he wanted it.
We're sitting in his room writing songs about America. There's a verse about a dead dog. There's tequila everywhere.
I am pretty damn sure that neither my body or his body is ready for how drunk I am getting tonight
I asked him why I was having sex with him in the middle of having sex. It was sufficiently awkward.
getting busted for public urination is like, a step above j-walking. you'll be fine
Ick. That's not even the fun kind of punishment.
You ate ashes out of my bong
Oh BTW the next time I see you I don't care where we are your dick will be going into some part of my body.
My fart just smelled like the inside of white castle, I mean spot on, no difference whatsoever.
He lit my hand on fire and bought me chicken nuggets. I'm in love.
should i feel bad about fucking you on my front lawn the day before you set me up with your best friend?
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