Last night my friend tried to make out with me in an olive garden. Ahahah
Nothing says 'I love you' like never ending salad and breadsticks
Im partying with a unicorn. You don't even know.
The hardest part of getting a new computer is deliberating whether to start the cycle of porn and viruses all over again.
I just worked out and used handles of vodka as weights. Whoever said alcoholism is detrimental to you health obviously has no fucking idea.
I hope he's okay, but I also hope he shows up with an eyepatch
a search helicopter?!
after i talked him through a bulleted list of why we couldn't have sex he just said "but it would be fun...."
She had one of those kid princess beds. I asked how she expected to fuck on that and she just said "thats what the slide is for". I've never wanted to marry a one night stand before.
I pissed myself at the bar so I threw away my wet underwear and kept partying... you act you've never done that before
My head feels like Jesus is projectile vomiting hammers on it
HE WILL NEVER BE ONE OF US. HE WILL NEVER BE A DECENT, GOD-FEARING WHORE.
Drunk you wants to be petty, not you you.
No, no... It was great. I feel like my liver took a vodka shower and washed it's hair with pabst
I know her cup size but not her name....
I thought it was your cat but I was wrong your Roomba is possessed by a pissed-off evil spirit.
Randomize
