You just made me feel so damn special
I have way too many pictures of poop on my phone
there is a polo shirt epidemic at this bar. also, im pretty sure i just saw the grown-up coppertone baby
I'm buying this stripper a house, I don't care what her name is.
Your dignity remains intact. He, on the other hand, is completely convinced he slept with your cat.
Finally put clothes on I've been laying naked in the bed for approximately 4 hours since I showered and by showered I mean when I laid down in the bathtub with the shower on
what do i owe you?
$237.46 to be exact.
if im having that much fun on the weekend i better start remembering it.
he made a bon jovi sex playlist and started crying when "i'll be there" came on... how was your night?
Judging by the progress I've made since I woke up (none) I'm thinking this hangover may keep me in bed.
Damn, well, it could always be worse
For sure, I could be a prison bitch right now. Thursdays aren't half bad
With great liquor, comes great irresponsibility. Remind me of this night tomorrow.
I just got the most majestic image of a potato sack full of dildos getting whipped at your head in slow motion.
Always keep a stash of tequila in your work desk. That is like adulting 101.
he's annoying when i'm sober but vaguely hot when i'm drunk so yes i do have a preference and it goes by the name of vodka
It's a testament to the kinds of spouses/parents we will be that we get so wasted but still show up to every class on time. We honor our commitments bitches!
Randomize
