Stuck in the Dallas airport. At the bar. Everytime a flight to DC gets cancelled, I'm takin a shot. Fuck you snow.
He showed up to fuck me at the same time the pizza guy did. It was like everything I needed just showed up at my stoop.
I tried. Now my legs are bleeding and I cracked my head on the coffee table. Never taking your advice again.
She's currently upstairs fucking her boyfriend while I am downstairs making them a sex playlist watching her boyfriend's Weiner dog and large Boxer try and mount each other. Marvin Gaye is playing. This is the ultimate third wheel fail.
He raised his arm and dropped it in his sleep to smack himself awake. He knows his phone has an alarm clock right?
the chips you spilled whiskey on is not the same thing as Irish breakfast potatoes
You finished the fifth and then hid two dozen eggs around your apartment and declare that you would "quest for Jesus". Have fun questing today.
CUT OFF ALL YOUR HAIR COME ON MAN LET'S DO THIS
You seem to be avoiding the poop question. How did you poop on your hand?
He told me that after two hours of fucking he feels as though his dick wants to detach from his body and go to Mexico..
I'm surronded by jorts. You're probably too drunk to care. I'm gonna cry now. Love you.
He in a way got kinda cockblocked by Jesus
is it sad that the highlight of my saturday night was waiting till 3 in the morning to hear about your saturday night?
This is a hot dog holiday. I intend to do my part for the processed meat workers of this great union.
true. but still. you know how big of a sucker i am for a penis and a pretty face.
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