My eyes are so dilated i literally have night vision right now.
he has 3 profile pictures up and all of them are him riding jet skis
let's skip the party, and just play drunken wii, again. its time to give my vag a break.
im probably the most hungover person watchin icarly right now
Things I love twice as much when drunk: Taco Bell. Office chairs that roll. Classes.
Just so we're clear, that's a yes to the honey, but if you get marshmallow fluff anywhere near my body we are never doing this again
Nothing like an old fashioned, wine fueled, anxiety-cry in the shower to start off finals week.
It's 6 a.m. ... what the hell.
I'm still drunk. it's summer. I just need a hot dog and an aspirin.
You've gotta make sure the carpets match the drapes, though.
I am not dying my bush blue.
Still no second date. Guess you shouldn't show guys your taser on the first date.
I just tried to order ice cream on my bagel. I think I should just call it
Update: That guy is no longer in the restroom, so he's probably not dead.
Company sent me first class out of state, got so drunk on the plane I started handing out pillows and blankets to the people in coach
I was in the rappers prayer circle. Then they're blunt circle
One day no one will want to send me dick pics so by all means keep 'em coming
Randomize
