My boobs aren't big enough for this kind of lifestyle
I heard you threw up in your lap?
I heard that too.
I told my mom happy mother's day then rubbed my belly and said "Oh, and happy grandmother's day too..." She started sobbing. You were right, that wasn't the best way to tell her.
he called AT&T to make sure that he had insurance before he threw his cell phone into the fountain.
First booty call in Europe.. In Barcelona. With a German. In broad daylight.... Is that how they do it here?
Adulthood is making your own puke bucket.
In my top drawer right now, there are see's chocolates, condoms, weed, and my vibrator. One way or another, this is going to be a good night
Sorry I pissed in your closet and lied to your parents that it was probably a flood. He got up to go to the bathroom, expecting sex when he got back, I panicked
I like to oil my gears with cheap vodka and strangers
I shaved my balls for you. Do you have any idea how hard that is?
How do you ask the man who gives you multiple orgasms if he has friends who could do the same for your friend?
I just had a flashback to us shaking up Gatorade mix and then inhaling it in your kitchen because it was funny. Now I can't stop laughing in work because that is the stupidest shit.
I was actually kind of excited. I mean, how many people can say they've been question by the CIA?
Already doing pt exercises by picking my margarita up off the night stand. Fuck yeah.
Sitting in the car eating a bagel. Watching a guy do tai chi in the parking lot. My morning is fabulous
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