I knocked on some strangers door, you didn't have to give me a fake hotel room number
OMG! Someone dumped chocolate soft-serve in the bathroom! Dibs!
he's making romantic advances towards me. and he has a pet snake. 2nd part not relevant, but interesting.
Its not small because its small, Its small because it was cold outside
Champagne is a vitamin, right?
No. Her boobs are the one spot of warmth in my life right now and I will not let you take them from me.
Its like the unofficial aniversary of the loss of her virginity. And I will be giving tours of the spot they did it in and showing how I'm serious when I say the grass doesn't grow there anymore.
She was trying to drink out of the beer bong and she thought it didn't work. Little did she know there was no beer in there. Then she got mad at us. Girls.
Are there edibles for sale in the Denver airport because if so bring those to my mouth
He's like a hurricane
a drunk, sexist, hurricane
Cleaned the whole house at 7:30 and after cleaning the bathroom I think I had cocaine on my sweatpants
Also, do you have any insight as to WHY I have a note saved from the 17th of June that reads *clears throat*, "you got that swanky blues libido"
It's 8 in the morning and you're doing coke and drinking margaritas. First, you have a problem. Second, why didn't you invite me?
Quickly hiding the condom wrappers, ropes, and handcuffs right before the parents arrive to help with moving out? Priceless.
I don't know what the hell I'm going to do with myself when this is all over. I'll probably just go back to smoking pot and trying to learn italian.
Randomize
