we were frolicking through a fountain of pizza rolls. it was like the best dream i ever had
Well It's time to grow up anyways, right? Now that you're graduated and have a job you can't drink uncontrollably
No. Now that I'm graduated I can drink uncontrollably at nicer bars
its a vaginal recession for me, ill take what i can get
I ate a pepperoni off of someone's floor last night. We need to talk.
Sometimes I look at the people in school that are obviously very diligent and on top of their studies, and then I wonder why they don't smoke weed.
He told me to put on my big boy pants, then take them off and fuck her before he smacks me with a chair. His pep talks suck.
I thought turtle was a code word for weed until he pulled out a baby turtle from his pocket and said "$20 for a turtle"
I found a phone book at the party and started calling everyone with my last name asking if they wanted to form a club. I'm meeting one for brunch tomorrow...
My ideal friend would be my dog as a drug dealer
LOVE ME MORE THAN PIZZA CAN
No, just kidding. But your faith in me to throw a lesbian bridal shower makes me think I an pull it off. To the LGBT bar!
Just go to your happy place. Mine is with Jake Gyllenhaal & schnapps
I still can't get over the fact that he thinks I have my life together... That has to be one of the nicest yet most sadly misled things anyone has ever said about me
The moment when you and your BFF compare frequently used emojis and realize you have similar mental disorders and a really weak alibi.
So i woke up this morning to find my boss passed out on my living room floor.. Awkward? Haha
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