I just saw a man vacuming his front lawn. What is this world coming to?
My mom asked what the mark on my neck was - I told her I burned it with a straightener.
She believed that the monsterous hickey on your neck was a burn?
well, not really. but then i reminded her that my sister has yet to take that pregnancy test and she conviniently forgot about my hickey
Somebody was walking their dog with their car. seriously
Just found the video that explains the neighborhood applause. Your landlord is awesome, and the clothes are on the roof
You came back with four clearly unattractive women and wanted to throw a dance party in my room.
I gave myself a pep talk in the library bathroom mirror. and then threw up in the sink.
I don't have any swimsuits that don't show off the weird handprint bruises on my hips. Do you have a onepiece I can borrow?
I think that "I fucked your little brother" wasn't the best way to introduce yourself.....
You are the voice of reason. And I'm bringing wine. Like seriously this is his last chance. Don't touch me once, shame on you.. Don't touch me twice, shame on me
There should be a promo code on the Papa Johns website for "I have no moneys but if you send a cute delivery guy I will pay him in blow jobs."
She looks like a hot George Washington...I'm going for it
I will be DAMNED if anyone but me breastfeeds my cat.
If she didn't block me, she would have known that I sneezed on her toothbrush.
This night could easily degenerate into a drunken haze of strippers and gambling, but I need a support network.
Do thigh high boots and a ball gag count as a costume?
Randomize
