Scott woke me up by cracking a beer open in my face. Best friends are awesome.
why weren't you at the audition last night?
booty call before role call
i think i figured out where our problem might have started...when we poured more tequila on top of out margaritas to melt the ice bc they were too cold
hahaha or putting rum in the bbq sauce?
onest when I told you I'm a paramedic but I'm also a stripper.
A sandwich with pizza as the bread. I love you.
YES WITH THE SQUARE KIND OF SLICES
The bride and groom wore the Batman masks I brought. Best wedding ever.
He's so vague sometimes. Like dude, we've been friends for 3 years. I don't need you to be vague, I need you to be inside of my vagina.
My date bailed but I got to take a nap so I'm cool with it.
I woke up in some kids room and he introduced me to his friends at breakfast as "Monica" so I just went with it.
I'm not gonna ask the guy I've fucked like 3 times if he is insecure about his eyebrows.
I'm trying to find a place to hide weed in my mother in law's house...
Married life problems?
Its like my group of friends and I are all dating and we're all just a bunch of Swingers, is that normal?
the D I S R E S P E C T of sending someone nudes, them opening it, and not bothering to respond
I may have dislocated my hip getting fucked on the bathroom counter
You can have my vag. Its useless without you.
Randomize
