Hey its my first time.
I think you mean "it's my first time"
U of I kids don't fist pump to Sweet Caroline. Get me the fuck out of here.
I thought of you this morning when I woke up in a bed with a girl wrapped in duct tape dressed as a coors light can.
I had to feed him the pizza because he was too blazed to do it himself
I feel like getting drunk at the airport is sort of a rite of passage into adulthood, but maybe i should reserve that occasion for a flight thats not just 1 hr
Just remember that I named his dick Robo-cock before he got into the sheriff's department.
Finally met a man who appreciates my beer pong skills, definitely a keeper for the weekend
Want to do me the honour of waxing my legs again before I go to Mexico? I feel like it's a tradition we shouldn't break.
HOW DO YOU FORGET TO FINISH WINE
I just used my vibrator to scratch my back. This being single shit is for the birds
A shark bit my leg in the Gulf of Mexico well me and the T were banging so look for it in the papers
Ick. That's not even the fun kind of punishment.
Can we talk about how i drunkenly changed the timezone on my phone last night and just showed up to work an hour early
What is ur current declared sexuality for my bingo board
I love you, but seriously, that was way too long a thesis on an Arby’s curly fry being wrapped around schlong!
Randomize
