i had to take my roommates dildo out of her suitcase so I could use it
the suitcase or the dildo?
She's a Laker fan, her sister is a Celtic fan... no matter who wins I'm getting a celebration bj from one of them!
New swimming pool is best sex toy ever. We are pioneering the doggie-style paddle.
That's like lying to my vagina. I can't betray it like that.
Her face just looks like a massive mistake. That's the only legitimate description I can say about it
You had salsa out and brought a banana on a plate to bed
Currently doing my walk of shame down a floating dock. No more guys who live on a boat EVER AGAIN
Plus I'm on the toilet and I can only describe it as if someone had kicked the cap off of a fire hydrant.
Sorry about waking up naked in your bed this morning.
I just smoked weed with my physics professor. Tell me how my life is this.
best way to lose double chin? blow jobs. I am fucking hurting.
Why is there never any toilet paper at his apartment? What does he wipe his ass with? WHAT DOES HE WIPE IT WITH?!?
Masturbating with Lord of the Rings on was not how I planned my afternoon going but here I am.
How long do I have to listen to him talk about the chickens before telling him I just really want to fuck? Note: it's already been twelve minutes.
I woke up with pitch black feet and crushed doritos around my mouth. That's how I determined how my night went
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