I am engaged
To a real live girl that has met me
So we stole all of the newspapers out of the stands within a 1 mile radius and filled up her car with crumpled newspaper.
Who leaves their car unlocked at night?
Someone who wants to read the newspaper.
Tried to buy Xanax from my boss last night. Wrong Mike.
I'm trapped in whichever ring of hell is populated by inbred yokels and type 2 diabetes.
I think my goal in life now is to be a Trending topic on Twitter after I die.
So i've def seen the girl running for student body VP getting fingered in a bar.
I googled what to do, and it said to squeeze the pressure out so people are taking turns sitting on my head. I can't believe I'm allowing this
Great. I get laid, Leslie Nielsen dies. I can't have have sex anymore, the film community can't take another loss like this.
She just lifted up her dress, screamed "This is gonna be a good one!" And pissed on the pole...
your fridge is broken, your sock drawer is full of snow, and you flipped off the whole stadium on the big screen. I'd say it went well.
Yep, that just happened. My mom just gave me a big bag of drugs for my birthday. She even put them in a fancy bag with tissue paper.
YOU BETTER NOT BE SHAVING YOUR LEGS RIGHT NOW IM TRYING TO HELP YOU
I'm determining which apartments I'm mostly to move into based on how suitable the kitchens are for sex .
Do I have to cook for the potluck? Can I just bring a costco size bottle of Vodka?
I guess I called her at 2am, demanding that she bring us food. She told us to order pizza, and I yelled "DON'T MENTION PIZZA!" I recall nothing.
Randomize
