it hurts more in the daytime
You ran away and I found you three blocks later lying by a dumpster because "that's where your life belongs"
when I woke up I found a half-eaten cherry toaster strudel sandwich with bacon in the middle.
I can't be the first person ever who had to explain why her bottle of orange juice had a picture of a screwdriver drawn on it
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
If you know any fat girls who would pay me for sex, I am low on money and morals right now
we just bought Vicodin from the Chinese delivery guy, this day just keeps getting better.
He just called me juicy booty via text message.
Just whatever you do please don't lick his face again.
I have a broken liver
I see that the whole "let's take a break from drinking" has worked out really well for us.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He changed his profile picture to him as a baby. Definitely a turn off. This will help in my "don't-be-a-slut-endeavors"
An outback commercial just played and I remembered that guy from Australia Imade out with at the Derby. Great Bachelorette Party, btw.
You got in the cab and told the cab driver "we only have seven bucks so you better drive fucking fast".
Well my ankle is fucked up, everytime it pops I have a reminder of $200. Jager bomb night and the day we began to rebuild our friendship.
You crowd surfed from beer pong into the bathroom where you spent the rest of the night, also I have your wallet
If you really loved me, you'd support my weed habit.
As the person who squeezed you out of my vagina, the answer is no.
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