The bars here don't close until 4!
my legs don't close until 4
she was definitely a virgin. no ones that bad unless theyre a virgin
your sister was..
Just invented new drinking game watching Hocus Pocus... everytime they say "virgin" wetake a shot and yell out "to j****"
I'm pretty sure I just overheard my boss call his sperm precious metal...
Quick question... Why were there condoms frozen into ice cubes?
He apologized for his naked psychotic episode and then we had goodbye sex on his sailboat
You say you're gonna take rehab seriously... but i keep imagining it as a training montage for you preparing to snort all of columbia.
That actually is really sweet of you
Based on the fact my iPad is covered in pizza, I'm going to assume I ate pizza last night
You finished the fifth and then hid two dozen eggs around your apartment and declare that you would "quest for Jesus". Have fun questing today.
It'd probably just be a lot of profanity and hyperventilation and deteriorating into tears anyways
so just a regular conversation then
What the hell happened to my hand?
Well, you got in a fight with a cabbie while jaywalking, but we got you to walk away. The problem was 80 blocks away, when you punched a parked taxi for "running you over".
As soon as we had sex he stopped opening doors for me. That wasn't an exchange. Im still a god damn princess
No feeling is better than coming home from your booty call and putting on a fresh pair of granny panties
This is why you have to watch more Zombie movies- to prepare for End Times...
I'm going to need you to stop harassing my professor on Twitter when you're drunk.
Randomize
