at a bar with my ex girlfriend.. both men AND WOMEN are hitting on her.. and not one has even looked at me
i have a bunch of little boys around me trying to hit on me
dont be selfish, show some boob
If there's ever a time when I've matured to the point that I don't want to look at camera-phone-titties, go ahead and bury me in a shallow grave by the railroad tracks.
Did we have sex last night or did we just wake up naked covered in oil?
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Well... He is a good looking man underneath all the fat and muff.
the evidence from last night is not good...
what evidence?
my underwear is on inside out, and there are french fries in my hair...
THEY HAVE VIAGRA FLAVORED GELATO
Dude if it is ever said "everybody get inside the police helicopter just showed up.". That means it was a successful party.
My bra is still on the porch...I'm leaving it as a reminder to get my shit together.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Sexting Captain while emailing my eharmony match about my low key weekend is hard.
Well, I can now cross "dirty drunk homeless hobo" off of my bucket list of people who have been successful wingmen for me. North Carolina is getting weird.
I'll give you a blowjob in a Santa hat if it will put you in the Christmas spirit
my dad walked in on me peeing into the trashcan in our kitchen last night at like 2am. wtf
He is 6'5, went to a Christian school and he's a violinist....I'm going to fuck the jesus right out of him.
I called him my big strong man today. It's all downhill from here. Matching Christmas sweaters, here we come
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