Do u think I can claim pregnancy as an accident so my insurance covers it?
and she said "My body is an orphanage, I take everybody in"...
just fyi, hangover + ice skates = really bad idea
because you can't take the autistic girl you're babysitting on a blunt ride.
So I'm probably the first guy in history to tap out of a blowjob.
Well look at it this way, if he should happen to get into a terrible accident within the next 2 days, its okay.. i have his dental records on my ass cheek.
Yeah... I still gave her a hug because I felt really bad though. I mentioned that my boyfriends grandma just died too, just to reinforce that I'm straight afterwards.
I think I'll handle my grief by throwing myself headlong into lesbianism. Seems like a fitting tribute to you.
Chipotle just hit me... I want to go sit in the corner of the shower and cry until morning.
In Punta Cana for my bachelor trip, hopefully tomorrow my passport is blacklisted
He asked me if I want to play Uber Driver, is this some new sex game or is he drunk and asking for a ride home?
Wtf is this place? I don't see any alcohol and I feel like we were supposed to bring our own strippers.
The cop took you back from the hospital and the lady at the front desk said "how are you doing cal?" You said "how do you know my name?" she responded "you're the only person i've ever seen that can throw up in your back pocket." Skills dude.
All I remember is being lured out to sit by the fire by you holding a piece of pizza in front of me
He started me on Celexa. I think I feel like Bjork. Is that normal?
Like... my feet feel like little octopuses, and they want to swim to the next room.
Randomize
