Aunt Jean just announced that her pubic hair is getting thicker as her head hair gets thinner. As a family we are just not a people of mystery.
My cat puked at the same time as me. Makes me feel better about myself, except he can stand and I can't.
He smothers me through text. I can't even image what he'd be like in person.
When you wake up, I have rum and am in town
I just sneezed alcohol in a candle and started a fire.
Well I turned her sobriety into my own personal drinking game
Just spent the last 5 minutes laughing at my epipen. i think i'm too high.
I forgot if I was chewing my gum or my tongue
That doesn't mean I'm a slut. Unless McFlurries are involved.
I will rub McFlurries all over you.
Well then sir I'll probably see you tomorrow after my class and at 3 with your clothes off. Sounds like a solid way to start the weekend to me
Drunk Karaoke resulted in only 8 injuries this time, so there is some improvement.
He may be 6' 6" but I'm 180 lbs of pure rage and determination
So glad I can hide money in my wallet and drunk me is too stupid to find it. Hangover sushi ftw.
Sorry you uh had to see that last night. That's the problem with open fields, no privacy...
Seriously. There were about 4 hours in which I swear my nose was not attached to my face.
Randomize
