i just saw a homeless guy running after a pigeon, catch it and put it in his jacket pocket. I'm not sure if the bird is now his pet or dinner!
Omg. Well, welcome to Oakland...
just drove past a church sign that said "jesus got 'er done" ... welcome to the south
a bus full of elementary school kids may or may not have seen me pissing off my front porch this morning
Somewhere out there, someone is getting laid. And then theres me, watching Star Trek porn while my roommate plays World of Warcraft next door
Do you remember our dinosaur noises from last night ? Breaaaahhhhhppp
I got picked up after "I just threw up in my face". Then I had very specific instructions involving the bathtub.
you fail at everything in life besides blacking out
It's like he drunk calls 6 times for me to come over, but can't say hello at lunch.
I'm not sure how to explain it, but I feel like our penises have a connection. Like long lost brothers. We're not even gay.
Wish me luck. My vagina needs it.
May his noodley appendage touch you.
I just ate a handful of salt
I thought this was a good idea
Today's hangover is brought to us by Sailor Jerry's and your dedication to my alcoholism.
This Asian instant coffee I found in ur kitchen is like crack. Who knew I could feel my heart beating in my asshole after one cup of this happiness.
Right. He was like "I'll be here all night if I have to..." I was like "Well then, I'll have to call the cops..."
His sex game is strong it’s like a warlord’s dick! you know what I mean?
Nope
Randomize
