Best part is I totaly had to get into my dads car like I didn't have my pants off two minutes ago.
sometimes i wish i was the girl in a porno. that way if i couldn't get any, i'd just order a pizza and do him.
yeah so i didn't even realize i was on meth until the next morning
he was so high that he wouldn't speak to anybody for like 30 minutes, he'd only gobble, like a turkey.
Have your arms or hands ever gone numb after drinking too much?
Wtf did you do last night?
You slammed your face into the toilet and declared you were moving your bed into the bathroom in the morning. Also, you insisted on crawling everywhere because feet are "overrated."
I punched some guy in the face for being an asshole then later I went to say sorry and give him a hug and he started making out with me. How was your new years?
They don't even know who I am but they just woke me up with maracas and invited my boobs to a kegger
I had to steal sneakers from my man of the night. I dipped. But then realized I left my purse in his house. So I had to stash the shoes in some bushes and wait for him on the stoop. Then after he watches me leave, I run back and get the shoes cuz I didn't wanna be taking my hour long journey home through London at 3 pm in my six inch wedges and club dress
What I thought was my travel sanitizer was actually my travel lube. Most awkward transit ride of all time!
I forgot to ask you how long you're housesitting. By which I mean how many bones can I get in averaging 2.5 bones per day.
20.
Pretty sure that propositioning you to fly across the country for sex fest '13 isn't something my husband would approve of.
I know but we're going to blackout city so it'll probably be warm there
I woke up in bed spooning a vacuum cleaner
Shelly has the weirdest luck. Dude offered her a job riding a bucking bronco and it was not porn or stripping but an actual g-d cow.
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