What happened last night?
You soiled yourself again and told everybody that you'd given birth.
so apparently we got drunk enough at the reception to rip the center pieces apart and use the flower vases as "fancy glasses"
She has her iPod in her ears slippers and sweats on and is walking around the house up and down the stairs getting "exercise" she just stopped for a water break
Oh, and no balcony sex...trust me.
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Idk if you've ever had the pleasure of 1. Vomiting on a sidewalk - at 3 in the afternoon 2. Vomiting nachos or 3. Vomiting nachos out of your nose but really I do not advise any of the above.
Nope she woke up in a hotel room alone on 55th street. A guy in a lamborgini gave her a ride this morning. She was walking barefoot home
I feel like an ass. I'm not blacking out ever again. I want to clean your feet for a year. Just like Jesus did.
I have no words
Neither did my mom, when she walked in on me squating with my balls in a cup of hot water.
Can you explain the plethora of sunflower seeds in the dryer?
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I'm pretty sure my liver died in Reno and my intestines are doing hula hoops around my asshole. The bachelor party was that good.
I've never had sex with me but I assume there are worse ways to be woken up.
I met someone else! And I had a wonderful orgasm! And he wants to see me again, like take me out!
I like that you're more concerned about how I would find the time to clone you, than the fact that I have your blood.
No one should have to go to work between Christmas and New Years, but here I am twirling in my office chair and putting Jack in my coffee like I’m back in college studying for finals.
my face feels like mints and my body feels like tingles
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