my room smells like sperm. sweet.
I have a sudden craving for National Treasure 2. THIS IS WHY DRUGS ARE AWESOME
Why are there sofa cushions on the floor? And why isn't there a sofa in this room that doesn't have cushions?
What started as a "classy" double date ended with Jeremy and I tripping our balls off and talking to the refrigerator while the girls cried on the couch and questioned where their lives were heading.
ripping the fire alarm off the wall probably seemed like a better idea last night than it really was.
I stuck my fake eyelashes to his balls after he passed out.
OMG. Dad just threw a 100 dollar bill down on the table for a girl to lift her shirt. I think he was kidding, but...
So what's the moral standing on reading gay porn on your phone whilst sitting next to your 87 year old Grandma?
My drug dealer just made me weigh out my own weed because he was in the middle of taking his law enforcement final
good news: i got laid. bad news: by your boyfriend
He just snapchatted me a blank snap that said "miss our sex" Vagina game too strong
The coke machine at work is laughing at me. Literally. I just heard laughter from the coke machine
There's nothing like a guy talking about your vagina as if it's delicious food to make your day better.
thanks for supporting my whoreish tendencies
They gave my sperm a pep talk after they found out we were trying.to have.a baby.
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