picked up a girl by parallel parking. i love this town already.
He just walked into my room in a robe with a cooking pot of cereal.
You were laying in bed whispering and crying to the half eaten burrito saying "why am I shitting so much" and "what did I do to deserve this"
I just found a wine bottle in my shower. Must have been a good night.
Standing in my kitchen eating choc chip cookie batter from the bowl. As sad as it is, I kinda like the places bad breakups take me.
Fuck going to see The Hunger Games tonight. The only thing I'm hungry for is some dick. Let's go to the bar.
Last night was the first and hopefully last night I will ever sleep in a hotel bath tub. Sober mind you.
I'm not even gonna ask.
I can't tell if the dead thing in the yard is a deer or the guy I slept with last night...
Walked in the bathroom at work and my boss was taking a shit with the stall wide open and responded "oh yeah, I forgot you never have been to prison "
For future reference.... When you take a beer out of a 6pack... You don't insert your phone as a substitute.
I shaved my pussy for you. If you complain about a single hair that I missed again, you will be greeted by a bush the next time you go down on me and i will MAKE YOU KEEP GOING
Wife and kids came home early...naked passed out covered in chili cheese Fritos dad will haunt them forever.
I danced with a french guy who licked the sweat off my neck and poured a drink on me. Not gonna lie, that shit was refreshing
No worries, I've prioritized my homework into "can do drunk" and "should be sober" categories. We're good.
My Hitachi broke 1 day into this stay home bullshit.
Randomize
