my grand plan for the evening is to do shots of vodka til i cant anymore
Those strippers last night smelled great. It was the perfect mixture of vanilla and daddy issues.
you know you've been playing too much mario kart when you see a curve in the road ahead and see yourself drifting around it
a girl just showed up to class in a zip up hoddie and sweat pants. said she over slept. i guess she got hot and unzipped it , it was only then she realized was sleeping without a shirt or bra.
You nicknamed her "lazy eye" and were screaming across the bar at her to buy you a drink...
I dont want to tell you. Lets just say that a lot of things are reminding me of your dick right now
Sorry I fell asleep again. I'm in the shower now. Door is unlocked. Condoms are in my desk. I want your game face on for when I get out.
I think that last shot was nyquil. Please come gte me. WINGS.
Oh if we have sex in public no one will frown upon it. They will stand and cheer for it
These girls just walked into this party as reverse cowgirls... Wearing cowboy clothes all backwards
Can you plz delete the video of me twerking in Waffle House, my mom just got a vine.
I just sent a dick pic to a number on Craigslist, this may be my new low
I took multi-tasking to a new level. I just ate a plate of nachos off my lap while driving to the bar. And I barely got any on me.
It just so happens all of their names are Ryan, so I never have to change whose name I moan.
Thank you for coming with me today. I find it appropriate that we celebrated my negative pregnancy test with slurpees and donuts.
Randomize
