my roommate just said, "don't look at it, just put it iin your mouth"
You were so drunk that you were trying to take pictures of a MILF at the park so you could send them to Adam, but you didn't want to "seem creepy," so you used taking pictures of her son as a cover. Needless to say, cops were called.
not sure if I should be concerned that my brother just stormed into my room and looked at me with a serious face and said, "I'm a peacock, you have to let me fly." oh, vicodin...
I mean two cocks this time. Trust me, I'm not gonna pull the same stunts as last time in this situation
The girl that works the front desk at my gym invited me and my friend to come see her Tuesday during her shift at hooters because its her birthday. I still have a boner
"I wasn't planning on buying a chicken, but I bought it anyway." --some guy on the bus with a chicken
"Yeah, I only have nine toes." --that same guy
I was so exhausted I thought about using my deep throat spray to stop my coughing.
I hooked up with Spider-Man on the hood of Santas car. I kept saying that he could shoot his web at me. Also I found Waldo. Overall good night.
It was really strange. I feel like I had sex with a synchronized swimmer.
There needs to be a greeting card for "I miss having sex and smoking weed with you."
Does puke ruin car paint? Good thing it's raining.
On a scale of one to Harambe, how attached were you to your goldfish?
Let's make this a nightly thing. You'll explain the Watergate scandal like you're telling me a bedtime story while I eat popcorn high as fuck
Someone signed my nipple.
The fact that a spice girls song is stuck in my head is a great sign that my decisions aren't the right ones at the moment...
Randomize
