She sang Bad Romance to me. Not really the answer I was looking for.
I'm at the bass pro shop. They have a river full of trout and turtles, a shooting range, a full bar, and the patriots cheerleaders are here. I now understand why people are rednecks. I may never leave
iPhone photo doodle is awesome. I gave my vagina some lazers and sent it to him. He has a whole series waiting on his phone for when he gets off the plane.
she was puking red wine out the car window, telling me about how shes joining weight watchers tomorrow, not okay.
just filed my taxes drunk as balls. i may be going to jail.
You know how there are wrinkles in your brain? What if they were filled with potato chips? That's kind of how my head feels now.
We ended up at an Asian frat. I made out with two Mexicans at the same time and I pulled a muscle in my leg from twerking too low. Diversity.
Driving home this morning in my minion costume makes me rethink the 0 tint on my windows.
We're trying to make our wedding vows nice but meeting on OkCupid fucks that up entirely.
We were making fun of some people having sex on the beach, an hour later we were having sex on a golf course
Van sex tonight? No need to tell me how classy that sounded.
if you didn't cry because you couldn't find me and then pee your bed, your wingman status would totally be revoked for leaving me at that party.
Crawl out into the sunshine and off your vibrator for 7 minutes
I passed out in my bed, but woke up on the dog bed,with no pants, snuggling with toilet paper and a bottle of softsoap. Ive hit a new low.
shit... I double booked my fuck buddies
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