I will also inform you that stairs change when you change a house. Those hurt.
Never again will we have slut saturday. Never.
i'm sure god appreciates how great my boobs look during this fine christmas eve mass
The security guard told you that the room was off limits and you just looked at him and said,"Its okay, I have a beard".
It's official. The summoning powers of my vagina are unmatched by anything in this world.
He just told me the blow job I gave him was like a journey
This hurricane better not stop me from sitting on the stoop thurs & enjoying all the slutty costume walkofshamers
Guy hitting on me at bar is guy who's Craigslist ad we laughed at the other night. Not even kidding.
She called his dick the colossus. I dont give a fuck if shes his wingman, I gotta see this natural wonder
I like how she'll post a picture on Instagram with her boyfriend and 2 hours later you'll send me a snap of her panties on your rear view mirror
Monday funday. I brushed my teeth with antibacterial soap. hangover I did not have.
You are the jesus of drinking
Hmmm... I thought we agreed as a group we make our last stand in Philly...
I don't wanna go out like that. Covered in melted cheese smelling like a sewer rat...
She kept giving the uber driving directions and we all thought they were wrong so we'd send him the other way. Turns out she wasn't guiding us home, but to the half gallon that she hid in the bushes on the way to the bar.
How do I put this... You're dating Ricky from Trailer Park Boys. Stop eye-fucking him and actually listen to what he says for once. He actually said "I self-learned that myself, basically" while rolling a joint. He's worse than your unskilled magician ex that accidentally cut off three of his own fingers
Randomize
