I don't understand why she insists on me walking her to the door. She came over for literally 8 minutes, we had sex, and now I need her to leave. That fake chivalry will change nothing about the situation.
I only make drug deals in a British accent. It's my way of making sure it doesn't get too sketch.
Yea. But u kept saying "as long as she doesn't have aids" so I was concerned
i'm not sure when it happened but apparently now it's topless bar night, im wearing a leotard and everyone is looking at me like i'm cheating.
who paints a picture of their own dick and sends it to people. i dont know if its borderline crazy or just fucking genius...
I'm trying not to drink. I may fall down if I move. This is bad. I had everclear before the bar. Oh no. Oh no. Breathe. Breathe. Breathe.
I am not exagerating when I say the thought "screw you future me" actually just went through my head
I don't need you anyway! I have puppies and booze!
I WOKE UP IN A FUCKING DOG BED HOW DO YOU THINK I FEEL
I just watched two grown men tickle-fight. Just glorious. No words.
Dude, don't put me in a suit and feed me liquor; I'll never go home.
That was awkward , having sex with her while her husband watched via Skype. I'm a porn star or a target. Idk
Uh do you have my pants because I have yours
At least get laid and waffle fries out of it you whipped basterd
We just had a contest for who has less of a gag reflex...I am sad to admit that my mother won.
Randomize
