my ass just sighed. even my farts are tired.
I read the police report. You asked the cop if you could use his in-car computer to update your facebook. No way you get out of a DUI.
nothing says happy new years better than a black eye from shooting yourself with a champagne bottle
you told the bartender not to open the bottle because you were gonna put it in your purse in case you get cut off later
Jail wasn't bad. Was poppin Xanax the whole way there
No one figured out why I brought along the vibrating massager.
You called a girl at 4:30am to tell her "your pussy is my top priority" while simultaneously Urban Spooning late night cafes.
Yeahhh, apparently my brothers think its ok not to check on me if a creeper is talking to me bc i "like those weirdo types"
I can tell right now that knowing you will either be really fun or ruin my life
last thing I remember was someone walking in on me sitting in the bathtub listening and singing along to Britney spears "Till the world ends" on repeat.
If there was a category for "most likely to end up a serial killer" in your high school yearbook then I'm sure you would have won it
I did something very bad. More specifically, my boss.
idk what happened last night but i just wokeup with nothing on but a necklace...what is this, the fucking titanic?
There were 16 girls and 31 titties. That’s how the club was. Lance doesn’t get to decide ever again.
It’s a good thing I’m the only one in the office today. My boy toy stopped by and now there is jiz all over my desk and couch
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