i cant get the smell of ass out of my nose
You kept spitting the skittles out cause you said they tasted like "balls of sandpaper"
riding the spinning bikes at the rec after Valentines Day was a baaddddd idea
I'm challenging a 70 yr old alcoholic woman who is half my size tonight. Wish me luck
Bro I can't jerk it to my phone anymore. I feel Siri staring back, and she's real disappointed.
You may genuinely find a use for the siphon. But the bag of human hair is less likely.
Thanks for walking over, a conversation about David Bowie's dick as a muppet is exactly what my day was missing.
Favorite thing said to me in 2012: It's like you have two tongues!
Were you keeping a list?
she said she wouldn't go home with me until she looked up my name in her sex offender app. do i really give off that vibe?
Yeah. It's not just the beard either.
I told her shower beers are even better when you have someone in there with you and she said she's been looking for a new drinking buddy. It's a goooooo
I deleted all traces of him from my phone
even the dick picks he sent you?
no are you nuts? saved that shit to my camera roll
That wasn't even sex. That was a fuckoning
...did you just create a word for what we did?
Did we kick in my basement door last night?
Yes. I think you actually bought tennis shoes specifically for that application.
raging hangover at work with a lunchable dreaming of the sex ill never have. my life is perfect.
Pretty sure my aunt hooked up with one of my brothers frat brothers at his graduation party
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