dont you remember the bouncer yelling at you while you were trying to piss?
no. why was the bouncer in the bathroom?
he wasn't. neither were you.
His drunken night ended with a "car accident" which really meant he was stuck in a toy car and pushed down the steps.
I wonder if he just picks random boners to send or just the realy impressive ones
i just realized the only form of arm exercise i get is holding my arms up in the stand up tanning booth
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All he wants to do is masturbate while I sit there with my big toe up his ass that is not even the worst part of it.
The doctor asked me what height I fell from to hurt my back.. I answered keg height
The world isn't going to end because you slept with him!
... that would be easier though.
He told me to put on my big boy pants, then take them off and fuck her before he smacks me with a chair. His pep talks suck.
Oh my god. I just realized something amazing. If I get pregnant with a boy, that technically means I have a penis right??????
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Yeah, I've been trying to get him to eat healthier. Turns out he'll eat almost any fruit or vegetable as long I let him eat it off my body.
He wants to buy me a drink to apologize for sending me a pic of his dick. Welcome to my life.
Omphalophobia is a real thing. don't ever fucking touch my belly button again dude
How do you explain to your kids that you met their mother well you were giving her a gynecological exam??
Dude, they hit that lizard part of my brain that tells me to fuck people.
Preach sister.
I think I achieved my goal of being high for 24 hours in the same week I promised myself I wouldn't smoke anymore
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