Walked home this morning with my contacts in a shot glass.
First class.
Why am I drunk on a roof painting at 11 in the morning
just heard this guy tell a story about how he got boat head. i want his life
I went to the gas station and the lady goes I remember you. Broken sunglasses and puke on your car.
We literaly had to peel your fingers off the jose cuervo bottle and lock it in someones room
He paid me $20 to swallow a baggie of glitter, which turned out to be the best decision I've ever made. My vomit has never been prettier.
I had to explain the gravity bong to my mom. Right after she pointed out I have a lot of dicks on my floor at any given moment.
She's comparing the feel of breasts to shredded cabbage. Weirdest. Grandmother. Ever.
C'mon. I'm still an alcoholic at heart, regardless of its broken or not
Also, I just realized you seduced me while in a batman onesie... Well done, sir. Well done.
I almost got on a bus to Langley Air Force Base. 99% sure that's not where I wanna be.
I feel like a girl who eats her problems away with fast food.
When all else fails, you can always look down at your enormous penis.
Yes. I'm realizing that sports games are good reasons to drink. I just cheer when everyone else cheers.
Doing a walk of shame at Wal-Mart at 3:30am because when I left at 11pm I was getting milk
I'm not gonna lie. I need sex like plants need water right now. I just need the dick.
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