literally had 100 drinks last night.
I don't think my ego could take a straight man out-cooking me.
I googled Canada's legal age of consent. I have good news. It's 14. Justin Bieber here I come...
apparently "my dealer got arrested" is not an acceptable answer when mom asks "What happened? You look sad today"
I just headbutted my cat because he was trying to eat my bacon.
i woke up next to a ladle and a packet of chocolate biscuits that my face had melted into one giant biscuit.
I'm wearing the jeans from casino night. Tell me why I have a napkin in my pocket that says 'dont fear me'? I'm hoping it was just a coincidence.
just saw sorostitutes streaking near the university president's house. thank you tequila day
He might not have any marketable talents, but the kid dry humps like no other.
He won a jackpot and invited his ex girlfriend over to have sex on 5grand
He wrote me a Haiku titled, "Let me touch your butt".
She dumped me and then asked if I wanted to come to her improv show. Fuck theatre majors, man.
I was so drunk last night I couldn't see faces, only from the shoulders down.
I just had sex on my kitchen counter. It's like the American dream
I didn't even know we were hiding from the cops, I was just playing with the cats. People kept telling me to be quiet the cops are here and I was like DID YOU SEE THIS CAT!?
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