At one point last night while tipping the bartender you looked at him and said "If I need money later, I'm taking this back"
we found you standing over and eating out of my neighbor's garbage can
For some reason I knew you were going to smell like strippers and burritos when I hugged you.
It's my coworker's last day party and I'm the one who ended up shitfaced on the train with half a bottle of belvedere in my bag.
I'm making him come over again tonight. I don't know how long this thing will last so I want to spend as much time with his dick as possible.
Went outside and he was playing rock paper scissors with a cop over a drunk in public ticket.
Drinking a bawls. If I'm dead when you get home, yes, they are poisoned.
Its like drunk me is Oprah except instead of a car everyone's award is seeing my boobs
my sex drive just dried up, fell out, and is rolling on the floor somewhere.
She is carving a little coffin out of some wood for her hamster that died. I'm flying home tonight.
if people come over to pregame will you hide my Oreos
last night I used snow as a chaser
i'm in a very strange mood rn i'm listening to bruno mars??? am i ok????
Can I make sure all my sluttiness goes to you when I die? You're the only person I know who'll make use of it
Somehow my life has turned in to drug deals at the bar, and illegally camping on a mountain because I have no where else to live.
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