I can't believe he cheated
Whatever. Anytime she has an orgasm, it's because I taught him how
Dude my date hates me, Im on a rooftop full of Turkish people, and Ricky Martin is blasting on the radio. I was wrong earlier when I said I have my shit together
two more shots til everyone in this club gets to see my cesarean scars.
You know your from las vegas when the girl on the stage in the strip club was in my US gov class senior year
my mom just asked me what a queef is. she needs to stop watching south park
Is there a zoo near here? I need to see some penguins like right now..
I am not bailing you of of jail
Now there's vomit covered trash all over the front lawn. I feel accomplished
fuck he's narrating my life in a british voice make him stop im way too fucking high for this
Oh god I think I promised some guy from high school that I'd be his fuck buddy in like 3 months
I did the mature thing and subtweeted that bitch. She follows me so she'll see.
The beer shits the day after completing the World Beer Tour at Epcot are just as epic as the tour itself.
She tried to subtly measure me, but I noticed. She told me I barely made the cut otherwise there would have been just a handshake as a parting gift.
I don't know. I wanna do you but I also want a cheeseburger.
But of course I'm in. After all, what fun would the holidays be without trying to find the perfect gift to impress someone you've never met, but need the approval of??
My one night stand from last weekend is now taking me on a date this weekend. How is this my life?
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