it's a shame restraining orders have to come between me and my relationships
Since she's grinding up on your thigh right now, I'm sending you this text hoping it makes your phone vibrate in her vagina
I'm not high anymore, I decide when it's done.
we seriously had to hang a plastic bag on his ears so he could throw up right into it.
I hope my sperm were as drunk as I was.
Don't worry that pussy is fresh, I'd brush my teeth with it.
You got in the cab and told the cab driver "we only have seven bucks so you better drive fucking fast".
His car is rigged up like the cash cab how am i supposed to not sleep with him
Remember the bouncer that knocked out Dave and Sam? Apparently his day job is a florist. Uppercut and fresh cut in one package.
75% of my food budget goes to wine, the rest to chips and salsa.
He smacked my ass so hard my ass cheek looks like Wilson from Cast Away
Congrats on graduating and I'm in a cab and need someone to helps keeping me up, do you mind
it’s not easy to sexualize brunch. work with me, babe.
Last night you dunked donut holes in spinach dip, ate it, threw up, and continued eating. I cant keep up with your drunk eating skills.
I was wondering where the donuts went.
how soon in a friendship can you start calling them a motherfucker
Randomize
