I can tell how much and what I drank by my morning shits
I checked for jungle juice on Weight Watchers. they didn't have it.
i just burped and it tasted like condom. please tell me i wasn't lame and made that guy wear one for a bj last night.
Life lesson learned last night, if you are too drunk to use the atm leave the strip club
I gave an inspirational speech to a bum and called a bride ugly at her wedding reception.
BoomCity!!!
You don't have to text me that every time you have sex. I already heard you ring the gong.
Either sorry for fondling you Saturday or thank you for letting me fondle you Saturday.
That was the night I passed out and someone threw chicken at me. SORRY I wasn't available to cockblock you from that Hispanic dude.
Damn it. Can't order pizza. Can't do the hot tub. No one to invite over for loud, kinky sex. What's the point of being here alone?!
I love the smell of your bedroom. It smells of a mixture of cherries, leather, and unrequited homosexual desire.
If I make it through this whole bridesmaid process without anyone knowing that I actually hate everyone but the bride, including the groom, I deserve a complimentary bottle of vodka.
I may or may not have spent student loan money on a vibrator, that falls under living expenses right?
I would rather contract a disease that would eat me from the inside out and make me suffer painfully while it slowly killed me than to put myself through the 20 minutes of agony that is having sex with you ever ever again.
I think you're talking dirty but I'm not sure???
Can u pick up some lemons on the way? I have Tequila and a sore throat..I need them for both
Some guy at the bar last night bought us Arrowhead water and I was so drunk, it tasted good
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