I'm taking a dump and eating a fortune cookie and it said "Force it to be successful"
we're out of white wine, toilet paper and windex... too hard to explain via text
On a list of weird places to get a bj, how weird is in the basement of a pharmacy
I smoked weed with pregnant girl. I'm going to hell.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
WHY AM I ALWAYS DEFEATED BY THE LATIN COCK?!?!
We couldn't find him for like 4 hours. Turns out he was sitting under a tree and had thrown his phone in a lake because he couldn't figure out how to unlock it. Freshmen.
People said that when they tried to talk to me I answered that there was a glass around my head stopping me from answering them
You kind of have a nervous, desperate thing going on that isn't exactly catnip for bitches
I've taken a shot every five minutes for the past twenty. His valentines cupcakes are going to be a fucking delicious vodka induced mess. Thinking about putting vodka in this next batch. I'm the best girlfriend.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
As we have told you before, the first rule of hook-up bingo is we don't talk about hook-up bingo
I just realized I wasn't at the party anymore. I was just sitting there with a vacuum.
He bought me shrimp and alcohol and referred to himself as daddy. I am in love.
He gave us beer and shots and made us pizza in his brick oven before firing a handgun into the air to signal it was time to give us a ride in his inflatable raft to the bars.
He's like a mythological figure
The bartender remember my drink from last sat. I think we just became drocals...drunk. locals.
What did you spend the night in her closet?
She said she was saving me for breakfast and locked me in there
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