My sheets at my parents place are clean. No braveheart but I can paint myself, yell "freedom", and sword fight you with my cock. So come over.
we are learning about oedipus in english. fuck you for making this awkward for me
the extent of background information i have on her is minimal, but it will get me in her pants
Question: Is it too early to claim April Fools on the text "can we do some lines before the concert" that I accidentally sent Mom?
I'm one shot of soco 100 away from fucking a mailbox
I just puked on my dog.I feel summer coming on
I tried really hard to get you laid last night. And by that I mean I asked a bunch of dudes if they were top or bottom.
is it too much to get a jumbo margarita in a sippy cup right now?
yeah, i'm not. but i'm ready for free bjs. it's just hard to find women who will give me a beej while i'm sobbing uncontrollably
Throwing up so forcefully that toilet water hits you in the face is not what the Pilgrims and Indians had in mind for this holiday
My dog just threw up a condom. Sorry for accusing you of not wearing one, I found it now.
we did shots in class this morning as part of a presentation. WHY AM I LEAVING THIS COUNTRY?!
Woke up w/ the same freshman as last Saturday but we were sober this time. Is that a relationship?
Looks like breakfast in bed is out the window. She can't get up because I "fucked her into paralysis." My stomach is not happy with my dick right now
So because I got upset you didn't answer I threw my phone in the garbage disposal last night
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