Throw up on the ground, people dancing to loud Bollywood music, seats literally missing. Fuck I hate public transit
I bruised his dick. I bruised his dick WITH MY MOUTH!! I've never felt more accomplished.
I'm hoping you can explain why I woke up with what I believe is pumpkin pie all over my body
She was blacklisted from the Uhaul center...what the fuck do you have to do to get blacklisted from a Uhaul center
My niece just called my sister in law a teabagger. I love NPR and it's corrupting influence on small children
I guess it was to be expected that I was put on somebody's list called penis socket.
I told her we could be friends and she said the last time i told her that we had sex behind a bar at 4am
I won't go into too much detail about this but you should probably wash your sheets. In bleach. Or just burn them. Thanks for letting me sleep in your bed bro. Enjoy scotland.
Do you have any idea how hard it is to hit on your nurse while getting an HIV test.
You better fucking tell me or I'm turning blow job week into go fuck yourself week.
she genuinely believed that kangaroos are a cross between a deer and a T-rex
I walked into a room this morning and someone asked how my back was because I apparently threw myself off the porch after attempting to set myself on fire. Who the fuck let drunk me play with fire?!
Better question: who the fuck planted a tree next to the porch?!
Tbh the only thing I was fully concerned about from the dream was what type of fucked up parallel universe doesn't have Coca-Cola
Fireball goes down like mother's milk. Btw your housemate is naked
Yes I’m serious. I just worked YOUR 12 hour shift on 3 hours of sleep if you come over without tacos and an ice cream cake in hand we are done
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